right after i wrote this i called him and everything is status quo. He may or may not hate my pants but he does want to see me in the future. I feel much better. except my tender throat meats. they still hurt like the dwarves are tap dancing in sandpaper shoes. Grumpy is doing it double time. Enjoy my neurosis...

I hate the way my mind works.
Maybe it's because I'm sick and on homeopathic meds (the cough syrup is yumm! tastes like molasses!), or maybe I'm just insecure and needy.
I've never been insecure and needy before.
I've been a go getter and look where it got me?

I know he's busy and this is the way he acts when he's busy. He has a lot on his mind. A lot on his plate.
I don't mind that I only get to see him once a week or so. I don't mind.
So, what is my problem really?
These scenarios go through my mind and they aren't pretty. They make me want to cry.
I know he's home now and has a little boy to feed and chase around. A cranky, over-stimulated boy who hates everything and only wants to eat chips and yogurt and play the PS2.
He will probably call me later and everything will be ok.
I need some positive affirmation from him.
"Yes, everything is fine. Yes, I do want to see you still. I miss you, too."
He doesn't miss me. He told me so. He likes me. He likes hanging out with me. He likes having sex with me.
He has no problem with holding my hand or putting his arm around me in public, even around his friends.

It just keeps going thru my head. "I don't want to see you anymore. We can be friends, but that's it. I've met someone else. You're too fat, too ugly, too bitchy. Too quiet, lazy, drunk, needy, depressed, obsessive, boring, tattooed, and you're terrible in bed. Oh, and you talk about your work too much. Also, I hate your pants."

It goes on like that for a while. Hours, even.
My head is out to get me.

Oh, jeez and what if he reads this? Erik, if you are reading oh, well. Now you know what goes on in my sweaty little head. Sorry. Don't hate me, ok?

Right, see, I don't say these things to him because I don't want to SEEM needy to him. I'm independent. I have my own place and I have friends (somewhere). I take care of myself. I buy my own clothes and pay my phone bill. I got a cold so I went to the store and bought myself some groovy, overpriced homeopathic meds which maybe why I'm feeling this way in the first place.

I can't go to sleep this early. I think I will take a really long, hot shower and then come back and pass out rub one out go to sleep.